How "Let It Go" is Working Some Good into My Marriage

We've all seen the movie, we've all heard the song: "Let it go, let it goooooooo..." And honestly I don't know any of the other words except "...the past is in the past." Also to be perfectly honest, I'm not a huge fan of the movie, except for the sibling love and loyalty that came at the end. And, of course, "Love is putting someone else's needs before yours." But otherwise the snowman is kind of annoying.

My boys on the other hand, enjoyed Frozen so I've seen it in bits and pieces a few times over and every time the refrain gets stuck in my head. I go around for days humming the tune and then "Let it go, let it goooooooo..." *insert more humming* "...the past is in the paaaaaaast..." *humming* "...let it goooo LET IT GOOOO!!" and then my kids end up staring at me like I'm nuts.

What I've noticed is that this song doesn't get stuck in my head as randomly as I'd originally thought. Usually it goes something like this:

Husband's socks on the floor half an inch from the hamper... "let it go, let it gooooo..."

Boys have dumped out every single toy box in their room and ripped the sheets off their beds 3 minutes after I've cleaned their room... "let it go, let it goooo..."

Some silly disagreement resurfaces between Husband and I... "the past is in the paaaaast..."

Dirty glasses at the bed side... "Let it goooo..."

Previously neatly folded laundry waiting to be put away thrown about the room... "Let it gooooo..."

General destruction and mayhem which was entirely avoidable had anyone in my family the least bit of courtesy... "LET IT GOOOOO!"

You get the idea. The pattern of mommy working hard at keeping house and raising kids while keeping everyone fed reasonably healthy food and in clean (and sometimes even ironed) clothes; then getting fed up when it seems like everyone takes for granted the fact that she'll take care of everything; then finally something small and stupid (like socks) being the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. It's a vicious cycle, which absolutely had to stop for the sake of mommy's mental health and everyone's emotional well being.

The Lord works in amazing and hilarious ways, and quite often under the radar.  This is just one of the ways He has taught me a hard and necessary lesson -- whatever problems I may have with others are my problems. The first time I came across that concept was in the book To Love Honor and Vacuum by Sheila Wray Gregoire, and I was skeptical. I mean clearly I was justified in harping on people for their shortcomings! But when I was completely honest with myself, that was pride talking. The annoyance of the socks on the floor, and taking the offending socks personally is my problem not my husband's. When I'm tired or over extended it's much easier to give in to reacting without thinking first and making a big deal about the stupid socks. When I'm of more sound mind it's easier to remember that they're just socks and the fact that they're on the floor does not reflect how Hubby really feels about me. The socks on the floor don't mean that Hubby is being purposefully disrespectful, intentionally adding to my never ending to do list or being at all malicious. In reality they're just socks which he flings in the general direction of the hamper before bed, because he'll end up putting them in the next morning or eventually. And it's entirely up to me to make the decision to let it go, and if I can't then to give it to God and pray for a conversion of heart.

It's amazing how something so small and silly as socks and three words from a maddeningly catchy song can become so emotionally charged and then become an example of the mutual submission that makes marriage work. Along with this lesson comes the realization that not everything revolves around me. Shocker!! When all I do is complain about how hard the kids are on me, how it would be nice to get a little help for me, how tired I am because of how hard I've been working, the problem is me. With this attitude there's absolutely no room for submission or even love. Remember the wise words of the annoying snow man, "Love is putting someone else's needs before yours."

The idea of submission is so hard especially to my prideful self, but taking a fresh look at it from a different point of view that includes humour, an annoying snowman and a silly song makes it just a bit easier.

The Importance of True Intimacy When Conventional Intimacy Isn't Possible

Our Wedding Day

When hubs and I went through pre-Cana we talked a lot about communication, conflict resolution, financial matters, sex, children, growing in our faith, and intimacy. We had sessions with our pastor, took an NFP class, and attended a diocesan conference for engaged couple. An ongoing theme from our pastor, the NFP teaching couple, and the two married couples who led the conference was the need for true intimacy in marriage. One of the couples who led the conference was on their 60th year of marriage, and during one of their sessions they talked about how to learn what true intimacy was. They also stressed that true intimacy is developed over time and, contrary to what the majority of people think they know about intimacy, intimacy is not solely physical or sexual. In fact, the definition of intimacy makes no mention of anything physical. According to Merriam-Webster intimacy is "the state of being intimate" or "something of a personal or private nature." Emotional and spiritual intimacy are just as important as physical and sexual intimacy, and without the first two the last two are difficult.

Hubby and I were, of course, going through pre-Cana with half our brains because we were so focused on our wedding day and all the planning involved. Everything we were meant to learn kind of got filed away to process later. When the reality hit that marriage really is as much work as everyone was trying to tell us we luckily had some knowledge to fall back on and

It was only after being put on pelvic rest that I even remembered all the focus on intimacy. Pelvic rest is pretty self explanatory. And while part of NFP involves abstinence during fertile periods, it's only for a few days at a time. Not weeks. Not months. Hubs and I had never talked about anything like this coming up, we never really acknowledged that a situation could arise wherein our physical marital intimacy would be impossible for an extended period of time.

We both have had to make some adjustments to the circumstances, and have started to understand the need for true intimacy. We've also realized that in order to foster true intimacy we need to make a few things a real priority:

1. communication
2. honesty/openness
3. friendship
4. prayer

Without communication, we'd be more roommates than spouses. We've fallen into that rut before, it's not fun. We both got wrapped up in how busy we were, that we ended up living parallel lives instead of an integrated life. Communication isn't easy when one of you is upset or hurt, it's not easy when you're tired, or if you've gotten out of the habit of communicating. But it's so very important to stay connected when you're married.

Communication is both verbal and nonverbal. Communication take practice. It's harder to reopen lines of communication than it is to keep them open even under difficult circumstances. Not to mention people with different personalities communicate in different ways and at different times. Sometimes I just want to talk about an issue in order express how I'm feeling about it, validate those feelings, and then I can think more clearly about how to address and solve the issue. But when hubby hears me wanting to talk about an issue all he focuses on is how he can fix the problem for me. It took a little bit of practice (and exasperation) to convey that all I needed him to do was listen and validate and then I would solve.

On the other side, hubs isn't much of a talker. He doesn't like to burden people, he likes to solve things in his own way on his own time, and when he's bothered by something his way of communicating is physical -- a hug and a kiss, snuggling up on the couch, physical intimacy. This isn't to say he keeps things from me, he just mentions them in passing. Physical intimacy is his way of being validated, and it took me some time to realize this. Too often I was too busy to stop and share a long hug and a smooch, because it wasn't my way to communicate, and it wasn't the way I experienced validation from my husband.

Along the lines of communication come honesty and openness. Being honest isn't just about not lying to your spouse. It's about not withholding information your spouse needs to know. It's also about making sure that decisions and issues get a fair shot at being discussed, and going into enough detail to get a point across instead of assuming your spouse will understand a novel full of information through one sentence. Here is where openness comes into play. If hubs asks me how I'm doing, I can't assume or expect him to realize that when I say, "I'm ok" I really mean, "I'm overwhelmed, tired, stressed out, had a rough day with the kids, I'm behind on housework, I need help and you better understand all of this when I say 'I'm ok' or you're going to be in the doghouse." If I want him to know all of this, I need to tell him. On the flip side, when he hears "I'm ok" he now knows to press the issue a little to make sure everything really is ok.

Friendship and prayer will have to wait for another day, I didn't realize how long winded I am! My apologies! And it took me two days on and off to write this much, so if I were to try and get the rest in now I'd never hit post. Until next time!