How "Let It Go" is Working Some Good into My Marriage

We've all seen the movie, we've all heard the song: "Let it go, let it goooooooo..." And honestly I don't know any of the other words except "...the past is in the past." Also to be perfectly honest, I'm not a huge fan of the movie, except for the sibling love and loyalty that came at the end. And, of course, "Love is putting someone else's needs before yours." But otherwise the snowman is kind of annoying.

My boys on the other hand, enjoyed Frozen so I've seen it in bits and pieces a few times over and every time the refrain gets stuck in my head. I go around for days humming the tune and then "Let it go, let it goooooooo..." *insert more humming* "...the past is in the paaaaaaast..." *humming* "...let it goooo LET IT GOOOO!!" and then my kids end up staring at me like I'm nuts.

What I've noticed is that this song doesn't get stuck in my head as randomly as I'd originally thought. Usually it goes something like this:

Husband's socks on the floor half an inch from the hamper... "let it go, let it gooooo..."

Boys have dumped out every single toy box in their room and ripped the sheets off their beds 3 minutes after I've cleaned their room... "let it go, let it goooo..."

Some silly disagreement resurfaces between Husband and I... "the past is in the paaaaast..."

Dirty glasses at the bed side... "Let it goooo..."

Previously neatly folded laundry waiting to be put away thrown about the room... "Let it gooooo..."

General destruction and mayhem which was entirely avoidable had anyone in my family the least bit of courtesy... "LET IT GOOOOO!"

You get the idea. The pattern of mommy working hard at keeping house and raising kids while keeping everyone fed reasonably healthy food and in clean (and sometimes even ironed) clothes; then getting fed up when it seems like everyone takes for granted the fact that she'll take care of everything; then finally something small and stupid (like socks) being the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. It's a vicious cycle, which absolutely had to stop for the sake of mommy's mental health and everyone's emotional well being.

The Lord works in amazing and hilarious ways, and quite often under the radar.  This is just one of the ways He has taught me a hard and necessary lesson -- whatever problems I may have with others are my problems. The first time I came across that concept was in the book To Love Honor and Vacuum by Sheila Wray Gregoire, and I was skeptical. I mean clearly I was justified in harping on people for their shortcomings! But when I was completely honest with myself, that was pride talking. The annoyance of the socks on the floor, and taking the offending socks personally is my problem not my husband's. When I'm tired or over extended it's much easier to give in to reacting without thinking first and making a big deal about the stupid socks. When I'm of more sound mind it's easier to remember that they're just socks and the fact that they're on the floor does not reflect how Hubby really feels about me. The socks on the floor don't mean that Hubby is being purposefully disrespectful, intentionally adding to my never ending to do list or being at all malicious. In reality they're just socks which he flings in the general direction of the hamper before bed, because he'll end up putting them in the next morning or eventually. And it's entirely up to me to make the decision to let it go, and if I can't then to give it to God and pray for a conversion of heart.

It's amazing how something so small and silly as socks and three words from a maddeningly catchy song can become so emotionally charged and then become an example of the mutual submission that makes marriage work. Along with this lesson comes the realization that not everything revolves around me. Shocker!! When all I do is complain about how hard the kids are on me, how it would be nice to get a little help for me, how tired I am because of how hard I've been working, the problem is me. With this attitude there's absolutely no room for submission or even love. Remember the wise words of the annoying snow man, "Love is putting someone else's needs before yours."

The idea of submission is so hard especially to my prideful self, but taking a fresh look at it from a different point of view that includes humour, an annoying snowman and a silly song makes it just a bit easier.

Birth Affirmations

Birth is hard work. It's called labor for a reason. And yes, it can be painful but it's pain with a purpose and if you have the right mindset and tools then pain can be managed.

My choice of tools to manage pain during labor are water (shower/bath), walking, rocking, "dancing", focusing on my hands and forehead and keeping them relaxed, peppermint for nausea, and the support of my husband. As for mindset, it's all about the mantras. 

With my first two births I just kept thinking, "ooooooopen" over and over again. It was something to say to remember to keep my voice long and low, but it didn't really help me stay on top of the contractions. Instead, I was riding them out. Which wasn't too bad until transition and pushing (thankfully the shortest parts). During transition I felt like I couldn't catch up and during pushing the pain got away from me a little. My mindset kind of worked, but I'm pretty sure there's a better way. 

Enter a new tool for the right mindset: birth affirmations. These affirmations are great tools to really let your mind let go and let your body do its thing. Trying to fight against the body during labor only makes pain more acute, but accepting contractions and realizing that they are no stronger than you are keeps the pain in perspective and the mind focused on other things. Labor is truly pain with a purpose, and an incredible reward at the end. 

When making my list I asked the advice of my dear best friend, and drew from a few other sources: the Bible, The Way by St. Josemaria Escriva, input from some Facebook and Instagram friends, and Pinterest. I've got a few good lists of birth affirmations pinned on my pregnancy board.

Here is my list of birth affirmations:

I can do all things in Him who strengthens me.

-- Philippians 4:13

"Pray that I may never be satisfied with what is easy", you say. I've already prayed. Now it is up to you to carry out that fine resolution.

-- The Way, Character, 39

Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

-- Matthew 11:28 

Fear not for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God.

-- Isaiah 41:10

For I the Lord your God, hold your right hand.

-- Isaiah 41:13

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

-- Joshua 1:9

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.

-- Proverbs 3:5

So, when you are not able to go on, when you feel that your fire is dying out, if you cannot throw it on sweet smelling logs, throw on the branches and twigs of short vocal prayers and ejaculations, to keep the bonfire burning. And you will not have wasted your time.

-- The Way, Prayer, 92

Suffering overwhelms you because you take it like a coward. Meet it bravely, with a Christian spirit, and you will esteem it like a treasure. 

-- The Way, Heart, 169

You suffer in this present life, which is only a dream, and a short one at that. Rejoice, because your Father God loves you so much, and if you put no obstacles in His way, after this bad dream He will give you a good awakening.

-- The Way, Tribulations, 692 

For this child I prayed and the Lord has granted me my petition which I made to Him.

-- 1 Samuel 1:27

Don't think of it as pain. Thank of it a an interesting sensation that requires all of your attention.

-- Ina May Gaskin

The Power and intensity of my contractions cannot be stronger than me because it IS me.

The experience of labor and birth is a great gift.

We have a secret in our culture, it's not that birth is painful, it's that women are strong.

-- Laura Stavoe Harm

So friends, do you have any more for me? The stronger the mindset the better! 

The Importance of True Intimacy When Conventional Intimacy Isn't Possible

Our Wedding Day

When hubs and I went through pre-Cana we talked a lot about communication, conflict resolution, financial matters, sex, children, growing in our faith, and intimacy. We had sessions with our pastor, took an NFP class, and attended a diocesan conference for engaged couple. An ongoing theme from our pastor, the NFP teaching couple, and the two married couples who led the conference was the need for true intimacy in marriage. One of the couples who led the conference was on their 60th year of marriage, and during one of their sessions they talked about how to learn what true intimacy was. They also stressed that true intimacy is developed over time and, contrary to what the majority of people think they know about intimacy, intimacy is not solely physical or sexual. In fact, the definition of intimacy makes no mention of anything physical. According to Merriam-Webster intimacy is "the state of being intimate" or "something of a personal or private nature." Emotional and spiritual intimacy are just as important as physical and sexual intimacy, and without the first two the last two are difficult.

Hubby and I were, of course, going through pre-Cana with half our brains because we were so focused on our wedding day and all the planning involved. Everything we were meant to learn kind of got filed away to process later. When the reality hit that marriage really is as much work as everyone was trying to tell us we luckily had some knowledge to fall back on and

It was only after being put on pelvic rest that I even remembered all the focus on intimacy. Pelvic rest is pretty self explanatory. And while part of NFP involves abstinence during fertile periods, it's only for a few days at a time. Not weeks. Not months. Hubs and I had never talked about anything like this coming up, we never really acknowledged that a situation could arise wherein our physical marital intimacy would be impossible for an extended period of time.

We both have had to make some adjustments to the circumstances, and have started to understand the need for true intimacy. We've also realized that in order to foster true intimacy we need to make a few things a real priority:

1. communication
2. honesty/openness
3. friendship
4. prayer

Without communication, we'd be more roommates than spouses. We've fallen into that rut before, it's not fun. We both got wrapped up in how busy we were, that we ended up living parallel lives instead of an integrated life. Communication isn't easy when one of you is upset or hurt, it's not easy when you're tired, or if you've gotten out of the habit of communicating. But it's so very important to stay connected when you're married.

Communication is both verbal and nonverbal. Communication take practice. It's harder to reopen lines of communication than it is to keep them open even under difficult circumstances. Not to mention people with different personalities communicate in different ways and at different times. Sometimes I just want to talk about an issue in order express how I'm feeling about it, validate those feelings, and then I can think more clearly about how to address and solve the issue. But when hubby hears me wanting to talk about an issue all he focuses on is how he can fix the problem for me. It took a little bit of practice (and exasperation) to convey that all I needed him to do was listen and validate and then I would solve.

On the other side, hubs isn't much of a talker. He doesn't like to burden people, he likes to solve things in his own way on his own time, and when he's bothered by something his way of communicating is physical -- a hug and a kiss, snuggling up on the couch, physical intimacy. This isn't to say he keeps things from me, he just mentions them in passing. Physical intimacy is his way of being validated, and it took me some time to realize this. Too often I was too busy to stop and share a long hug and a smooch, because it wasn't my way to communicate, and it wasn't the way I experienced validation from my husband.

Along the lines of communication come honesty and openness. Being honest isn't just about not lying to your spouse. It's about not withholding information your spouse needs to know. It's also about making sure that decisions and issues get a fair shot at being discussed, and going into enough detail to get a point across instead of assuming your spouse will understand a novel full of information through one sentence. Here is where openness comes into play. If hubs asks me how I'm doing, I can't assume or expect him to realize that when I say, "I'm ok" I really mean, "I'm overwhelmed, tired, stressed out, had a rough day with the kids, I'm behind on housework, I need help and you better understand all of this when I say 'I'm ok' or you're going to be in the doghouse." If I want him to know all of this, I need to tell him. On the flip side, when he hears "I'm ok" he now knows to press the issue a little to make sure everything really is ok.

Friendship and prayer will have to wait for another day, I didn't realize how long winded I am! My apologies! And it took me two days on and off to write this much, so if I were to try and get the rest in now I'd never hit post. Until next time!

We Make Plans and God Laughs

We've all heard the saying, make plans and God laughs. Well I can tell you how true this is. It all started with my New Years Resolutions. As Hubby and I sat on the couch watching the time tick away and the crazy New Years celebrations, I made the following list of goals for the new year:





















If you can't read my chicken scratch, it's a lot of working towards getting organized, decluttering, becoming a more connected wife and mom, working on communication, finish the projects that I start, having a less haphazard and desperate prayer life, you get the idea. I was really struggling keeping a balance in all of my duties of a stay at home mom. The kids, the housework, the cooking, incorporating learning and playtime, continuing with my baking and sewing etc. I either had a spotlessly clean house and kids who sat in front of the TV for most of the day, or a disaster of a house with happy kids. Not to mention I got so wrapped with everything I had or wanted to do and my poor hubby sometimes was left by the wayside. By the time we were done with our days and the kids were in bed, we barely had energy for the dishes much less each other.

So I geared my resolutions and goals towards becoming more efficient and organized, with specific monthly goals to tackle. My first monthly goal was to wake up at the same time every morning. Sounds silly, but what better way to begin working out an efficient routine than to get up at the same time every morning, and go to bed at the same time every night. I didn't come up with this on my own, I took the suggestion from St. Josemaria Escriva and his book The Way which is a collection of meditation points regarding various topics. The five points below come from the section on Direction:

76. If you don't have a plan of life, you'll never have order.

77. You told me that to tie yourself to a plan of life, to a schedule, would be so monotonous!

And I answered, "It is monotonous because you lack Love."

78. If you don't get up at a set hour, you'll never fulfill your plan of life.

79. Virtue without order? Strange virtue!

80. With order, your time will be multiplied, and you will be able to give more glory to God by doing more work in his service.

Having always balked at routine and schedules and order I didn't know where to start, so where did I turn? Pinterest of course! With a little searching I found this free yearly planner, and this free Ultimate Life Planning System. I picked and chose from each and came up with a planner that I thought would work best for me. I spent a good chunk of time filling it out, coming up with a daily cleaning schedule, separate to do lists for getting my projects done, curriculum for starting to homeschool Liam, weekly plans, I organized my coupons and came up with a reasonable daily routine for me and the kids. AND I got myself up at my target wake up time the morning of January 1st. I was on a roll! 

The night of January 1st was a different story. Kevin took me to the hospital for some contractions that were slightly concerning, but I got to go home after a couple shots of terbutaline, some tests and orders to come back the next morning for an ultrasound to follow up. The next morning my contractions had come back but I didn't think they were too serious. Hubby had to work so my mom stayed with the boys and my brother drove me back to the hospital for my follow up ultrasound which we thought was going to be routine. It turned out I was contracting every two minutes and it seemed like Emma was going to make her appearance that day just short of 31 weeks. I was admitted and immediately hooked up to a magnesium drip, given steroids for Emma's lungs and given another shot of terbutaline. My 19 year old brother was an angel by my side and kept my husband and parents informed and coordinated the details of who was watching the kids, how to make sure the van and car seats got to the people who needed them and made sure my husband had a car to get to the hospital. It took hubby four hours to get to the hospital between the hour and a half commute home from work and then driving 20 miles through rush hour and a snow storm.

Thankfully labor was stopped, things are stable now and Emma passed her biophysical profiles with flying colors. I never imagined or wanted a pregnancy so full of interventions, but when needed modern medicine is an amazing thing. We stayed in the hospital from Thursday morning until Sunday morning. My and hubby's parents and siblings all surrounded us with love and support and took care of our boys, my parents cleaned our apartment (my dad even washed our dirty cloth diapers!), and everyone did laundry for us. We couldn't be more thankful for all of this as I was discharged with the orders of strict bed rest with the exception of using the bathroom and showering, and only leaving home for my weekly appointments with my new high risk OB (I had previously been with a group of midwives.). 

Talk about being blindsided! After all that organizing and planning I couldn't do any of it, much less clean my house or take care of my kids. I've been on bed rest at home for just shy of a week, and what an adjustment is has been. My husband has been working from home while watching over the kids and me with help from various family members, my mom and sister in law have cleaned my apartment and done laundry (bless my husband, every time he does laundry one of our sweaters turns into a hand me down for the kids), friends and family have brought us food and home cooked meals. I've been trying to entertain the kids from the couch, reading, writing and struggling with my new sedentary role. The fact of the matter is bed rest is the only thing keeping me pregnant right now so I have to let go of my other responsibilities and let people help (not easy). Luckily we are surrounded with supportive families and friends, and my grandfather and one of my aunts have made the journey from Buffalo to help care for me and the boys so that hubby can go back to work if needed or at least work from home with no distractions which is what we're hoping for.

So most of the plans I made have to be postponed. But I can work on my personal internal goals: communicate more effectively, let nothing take away your effectively, pray more and more effectively, less crying more laughter, be happy with what we have while working for what we want, admit fault and praise the success of others, more temperance less temper, learn new things, get up at the same time every morning, be a more connected mom, write more and revive the blog, read more, and let go of the mommy guilt. And maybe this is what I'm supposed to take away from this whole situation.

Advent!

Happy beginning of Advent! We're counting down to Christmas and as excited as we are, my family is also taking this time for prayer, reflection and resolutions among other things. No, New Years is not the only time for resolutions. Advent is a particularly good time as we are preparing for the birth of our Lord. And as redundant as it sounds, we did some preparation for the preparation. We have still to trim the hearth and set the table... and get a tree... but we did get the Advent wreath done! 

And by Advent wreath I mean a kid craft with my babies. Hey, I bake stuff. I haven't crafted since my wedding and before then I swear it was elementary school. So it's a little rough, but I'm still getting used to juggling the babies -- keeping my older from eating the glue or grabbing the scissors and trying to convince the younger (at all of 5 weeks old) to keep his hand still so I can trace it to make the "boughs" of the wreath. Not to mention I had to explain to hubs when he came home why his babies were covered in green marker, and convince him that they didn't have some weird skin disease. Don't worry the marker ink is non-toxic. So with the idea a cake board cut into a circle, some green construction paper, cardstock, tea candles, a little ribbon and a ton of Mod Podge we have an Advent wreath. ...it's the thought that counts. Please don't judge me by the picture of how the wreath is actually supposed to look. 

No matter what it looks like, the wreath still serves its purpose when it comes to evening family prayer. 

Next on our list besides getting a tree, is making ornaments so we don't have a ridiculous tree like we did last year. I basically took a bunch of our favourite pictures, punched holes in the tops, and strung ribbon through. We just didn't have the time or opportunity to get proper ornaments so I had to make do. This year we're doing something a little classier -- paper ornaments, pictures in frames hung from the tree, and other homemade ornaments. So... it will probably be as ridiculous as last year, but with more time and energy put into it. I'll be sure to post as I make progress, it should make for a few good chuckles.