How "Let It Go" is Working Some Good into My Marriage

We've all seen the movie, we've all heard the song: "Let it go, let it goooooooo..." And honestly I don't know any of the other words except "...the past is in the past." Also to be perfectly honest, I'm not a huge fan of the movie, except for the sibling love and loyalty that came at the end. And, of course, "Love is putting someone else's needs before yours." But otherwise the snowman is kind of annoying.

My boys on the other hand, enjoyed Frozen so I've seen it in bits and pieces a few times over and every time the refrain gets stuck in my head. I go around for days humming the tune and then "Let it go, let it goooooooo..." *insert more humming* "...the past is in the paaaaaaast..." *humming* "...let it goooo LET IT GOOOO!!" and then my kids end up staring at me like I'm nuts.

What I've noticed is that this song doesn't get stuck in my head as randomly as I'd originally thought. Usually it goes something like this:

Husband's socks on the floor half an inch from the hamper... "let it go, let it gooooo..."

Boys have dumped out every single toy box in their room and ripped the sheets off their beds 3 minutes after I've cleaned their room... "let it go, let it goooo..."

Some silly disagreement resurfaces between Husband and I... "the past is in the paaaaast..."

Dirty glasses at the bed side... "Let it goooo..."

Previously neatly folded laundry waiting to be put away thrown about the room... "Let it gooooo..."

General destruction and mayhem which was entirely avoidable had anyone in my family the least bit of courtesy... "LET IT GOOOOO!"

You get the idea. The pattern of mommy working hard at keeping house and raising kids while keeping everyone fed reasonably healthy food and in clean (and sometimes even ironed) clothes; then getting fed up when it seems like everyone takes for granted the fact that she'll take care of everything; then finally something small and stupid (like socks) being the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. It's a vicious cycle, which absolutely had to stop for the sake of mommy's mental health and everyone's emotional well being.

The Lord works in amazing and hilarious ways, and quite often under the radar.  This is just one of the ways He has taught me a hard and necessary lesson -- whatever problems I may have with others are my problems. The first time I came across that concept was in the book To Love Honor and Vacuum by Sheila Wray Gregoire, and I was skeptical. I mean clearly I was justified in harping on people for their shortcomings! But when I was completely honest with myself, that was pride talking. The annoyance of the socks on the floor, and taking the offending socks personally is my problem not my husband's. When I'm tired or over extended it's much easier to give in to reacting without thinking first and making a big deal about the stupid socks. When I'm of more sound mind it's easier to remember that they're just socks and the fact that they're on the floor does not reflect how Hubby really feels about me. The socks on the floor don't mean that Hubby is being purposefully disrespectful, intentionally adding to my never ending to do list or being at all malicious. In reality they're just socks which he flings in the general direction of the hamper before bed, because he'll end up putting them in the next morning or eventually. And it's entirely up to me to make the decision to let it go, and if I can't then to give it to God and pray for a conversion of heart.

It's amazing how something so small and silly as socks and three words from a maddeningly catchy song can become so emotionally charged and then become an example of the mutual submission that makes marriage work. Along with this lesson comes the realization that not everything revolves around me. Shocker!! When all I do is complain about how hard the kids are on me, how it would be nice to get a little help for me, how tired I am because of how hard I've been working, the problem is me. With this attitude there's absolutely no room for submission or even love. Remember the wise words of the annoying snow man, "Love is putting someone else's needs before yours."

The idea of submission is so hard especially to my prideful self, but taking a fresh look at it from a different point of view that includes humour, an annoying snowman and a silly song makes it just a bit easier.

We Make Plans and God Laughs

We've all heard the saying, make plans and God laughs. Well I can tell you how true this is. It all started with my New Years Resolutions. As Hubby and I sat on the couch watching the time tick away and the crazy New Years celebrations, I made the following list of goals for the new year:





















If you can't read my chicken scratch, it's a lot of working towards getting organized, decluttering, becoming a more connected wife and mom, working on communication, finish the projects that I start, having a less haphazard and desperate prayer life, you get the idea. I was really struggling keeping a balance in all of my duties of a stay at home mom. The kids, the housework, the cooking, incorporating learning and playtime, continuing with my baking and sewing etc. I either had a spotlessly clean house and kids who sat in front of the TV for most of the day, or a disaster of a house with happy kids. Not to mention I got so wrapped with everything I had or wanted to do and my poor hubby sometimes was left by the wayside. By the time we were done with our days and the kids were in bed, we barely had energy for the dishes much less each other.

So I geared my resolutions and goals towards becoming more efficient and organized, with specific monthly goals to tackle. My first monthly goal was to wake up at the same time every morning. Sounds silly, but what better way to begin working out an efficient routine than to get up at the same time every morning, and go to bed at the same time every night. I didn't come up with this on my own, I took the suggestion from St. Josemaria Escriva and his book The Way which is a collection of meditation points regarding various topics. The five points below come from the section on Direction:

76. If you don't have a plan of life, you'll never have order.

77. You told me that to tie yourself to a plan of life, to a schedule, would be so monotonous!

And I answered, "It is monotonous because you lack Love."

78. If you don't get up at a set hour, you'll never fulfill your plan of life.

79. Virtue without order? Strange virtue!

80. With order, your time will be multiplied, and you will be able to give more glory to God by doing more work in his service.

Having always balked at routine and schedules and order I didn't know where to start, so where did I turn? Pinterest of course! With a little searching I found this free yearly planner, and this free Ultimate Life Planning System. I picked and chose from each and came up with a planner that I thought would work best for me. I spent a good chunk of time filling it out, coming up with a daily cleaning schedule, separate to do lists for getting my projects done, curriculum for starting to homeschool Liam, weekly plans, I organized my coupons and came up with a reasonable daily routine for me and the kids. AND I got myself up at my target wake up time the morning of January 1st. I was on a roll! 

The night of January 1st was a different story. Kevin took me to the hospital for some contractions that were slightly concerning, but I got to go home after a couple shots of terbutaline, some tests and orders to come back the next morning for an ultrasound to follow up. The next morning my contractions had come back but I didn't think they were too serious. Hubby had to work so my mom stayed with the boys and my brother drove me back to the hospital for my follow up ultrasound which we thought was going to be routine. It turned out I was contracting every two minutes and it seemed like Emma was going to make her appearance that day just short of 31 weeks. I was admitted and immediately hooked up to a magnesium drip, given steroids for Emma's lungs and given another shot of terbutaline. My 19 year old brother was an angel by my side and kept my husband and parents informed and coordinated the details of who was watching the kids, how to make sure the van and car seats got to the people who needed them and made sure my husband had a car to get to the hospital. It took hubby four hours to get to the hospital between the hour and a half commute home from work and then driving 20 miles through rush hour and a snow storm.

Thankfully labor was stopped, things are stable now and Emma passed her biophysical profiles with flying colors. I never imagined or wanted a pregnancy so full of interventions, but when needed modern medicine is an amazing thing. We stayed in the hospital from Thursday morning until Sunday morning. My and hubby's parents and siblings all surrounded us with love and support and took care of our boys, my parents cleaned our apartment (my dad even washed our dirty cloth diapers!), and everyone did laundry for us. We couldn't be more thankful for all of this as I was discharged with the orders of strict bed rest with the exception of using the bathroom and showering, and only leaving home for my weekly appointments with my new high risk OB (I had previously been with a group of midwives.). 

Talk about being blindsided! After all that organizing and planning I couldn't do any of it, much less clean my house or take care of my kids. I've been on bed rest at home for just shy of a week, and what an adjustment is has been. My husband has been working from home while watching over the kids and me with help from various family members, my mom and sister in law have cleaned my apartment and done laundry (bless my husband, every time he does laundry one of our sweaters turns into a hand me down for the kids), friends and family have brought us food and home cooked meals. I've been trying to entertain the kids from the couch, reading, writing and struggling with my new sedentary role. The fact of the matter is bed rest is the only thing keeping me pregnant right now so I have to let go of my other responsibilities and let people help (not easy). Luckily we are surrounded with supportive families and friends, and my grandfather and one of my aunts have made the journey from Buffalo to help care for me and the boys so that hubby can go back to work if needed or at least work from home with no distractions which is what we're hoping for.

So most of the plans I made have to be postponed. But I can work on my personal internal goals: communicate more effectively, let nothing take away your effectively, pray more and more effectively, less crying more laughter, be happy with what we have while working for what we want, admit fault and praise the success of others, more temperance less temper, learn new things, get up at the same time every morning, be a more connected mom, write more and revive the blog, read more, and let go of the mommy guilt. And maybe this is what I'm supposed to take away from this whole situation.

Daily Realizations: Giving Thanks for Family

Sometimes in the middle of a crazy hectic day, there is a moment that makes time stand still and makes you slow down and take a breath and really appreciate life and what's most important to you. Today in between fetching an aunt from the airport, getting babies fed and changed and napped, picking up a brother from college and reminding myself that nursing mothers cannot live on coffee alone, the moment I captured in the picture below stopped me in my tracks.

I took the moment to give thanks for all of the great grandparents, grandparents, great aunts and uncles, aunts and uncles, that my kids are so blessed to have. Someday I hope they realize just how truly lucky they are, and that hubs and I can teach them to appreciate the unconditional love that their large extended family has for them. In this moment I also realized just how much love and support that hubs and I have in our families. Life would be much harder without all of their help, and as grateful as we are we don't spend enough time thanking them. 

Nothing warms my heart like seeing my grandparents and parents love on my kids.

My boys and their grandfathers, the grandfathers and their namesakes. 

I hope my boys realize just how many good men they have to look up to and from whom to learn.

 My boys have two great grandfathers, one great grandmother, all four grandparents, three uncles and three aunts who are all involved in their lives. I understand now why they say it takes a village... luckily our village lets us parent without interfering and instead focuses supporting, loving, and praying for our nuclear family.